This, ladies and gentlemen, is my ASS....entry into the competition. Doesn't look too bad from this vantage point, does it? Ahh, but look closer: see those dark vertical streaks on the lower left and upper right? In a minute, we'll take a closer look at just what those are. Among other things....
This would be the back of my ASS....entry into the competition. First, the
eye is drawn toward the large chunks of the top layer of ply missing from
the edges - but wait, it gets better! The back itself has been painted brown,
and the scratch marks all over it suggest the the previous owner permitted
ice skating on the back during those "tweener" winter months when it was
too warm for the pond to freeze. 
London Bridge: first notice how the treble adjuster is cranked up way higher than the bass one to compensate for the warpitude of the top. Next you see the havoc done to the top by the ever-shifting feet. Behind the treble foot you can see a triple repair: a graft over the spot where the soundpost apparently came through the top, and a twice-repaired crack on the edge of the patch.
The original American Standard endpin. The word CHEESEMASTER does not even begin to describe how flimsy this sucker is. I like the way the whole assembly is always listing to port and never fitting correctly into the hole. Whenever I see this pic, all I can think of is the TITANIC sinking, with only the giant rudder sticking out from under the water as the ship readies itself for that final icy plunge.
I wonder if one of the previous owners raised puppies, because this edge of the bass looks like a puppy owner's favorite pair of shoes. See those green flecks on the side? You're about to get a closeup of what makes this bass so gloriously ugly...
The neck joint - I have two theories: either that the guy who did the touch-up work on the bass was completely and absolutely colorblind, or that the bass was used as target practice by Linda Blair in preparation for the famous "projectile vomit" scene from THE EXORCIST. Whatever this stuff is, it's splattered all over the bass...we can but assume that Blair wasn't slacking any during rehearsals.
A final comic touch: the scroll. First you see where the original plate tuners have been taken off and replaced by some really cheap machines. Next, if you look at the upper machine, you'll notice a screw that I had to go to 4 different hardware stores to find (the screw was missing completely when I got the bass). Last, whoever installed the new tuners mounted them backward, so that the long shaft ended up sticking out of the narrow part of the scroll, while the short shaft doesn't quite make it through the wide part. A nice touch, don't you think?